Up at Night in IIT g

July 7, 2008

Exercise In Narcissism

Filed under: Eurotrip, Humour, Internship — Sparrow @ 3:41 pm
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If you scroll down a bit and see the lowest widget on the right hand side of this page, you will notice I keep a Cluster Map of Visitors to this site. It shows from which part of the world are the readers accessing my blog. Now I say accessing because presuming that they are reading it might be assuming too much. Nothing really high tech about it, you just have to sign up and give your URL to these people who then  track the clicks from around the world.

But its a very satisfying application to say the least. There is nothing like the feeling that not only your gtalk contacts(its pushed down their throats by yours truly) but other people too are actually enticed by this crap. Some might just have stumbled here by accident only to make a hasty retreat, others I guess are lured by the trap of protected posts with the help of an excited friend (read Pandey ji) publicising it on their page. Coming back to the map, yeah as you can see I am very papulaar in Europe  :D , well Intern season has its advantages. And thanks to those who  are reading this in USA and  Canada. Yours truly has also made a foray into the middle east with atleast one reader in Dubai(Sheikh Sanganee),  India is expected as most of the friends are there. Down Under there are some poor souls who I guess have nothing better to do and then there are the islanders from Singapore and surrounding areas. Now for the surprise visits - Atleast one Chinaman and two Pakistani guys have paid a visit here.

As of yet the Africans, South Americans and New Zealanders havent bothered. But I hoping they will come around as  Good Posts attract Good readers, Crap attracts everyone. :D

July 4, 2008

GRE Preparation

Filed under: Humour, Life — Sparrow @ 8:14 pm
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Yes I know I surprised a whole lot of people including myself by scoring well in GRE. It was one of those moments when the computer understood my hidden brilliance :D unlike in the CS lab where the machines were bent on proving me a retard. So for all those mugging and prepping and slogging their asses off for this exam I will take a well deserved rest from my intern to poke fun at you. Read the next few points in total silence and remove all harmful objects within your reach, otherwise you might end up hitting the poor machine.

1. If you have never read more than 15 books other than your course books, you should drop the idea of GRE altogether. I am telling you now what your Dad will tell you after you give the test “What a f***ing(1) waste of money”.

2. If you think with 3 months of mugging up of 3500 words you will end up with a good score*(2) think again shithead. The real preparation starts after you know the usage of atleast 2000 of them and know the meanings of the rest. For the proper usage you should have developed a reading habit back when you were in 8th class or sth started from enid blytons and moved on to the serious stuff gradually. Now its too late. Refer to last line of Rule 1.

3. You think that by doing the high frequency wordlist you can manage a decent score. Hey even the test experts from Princeton Review and Kaplan say that. Well sorry to break your bubble but that is meant for retard american kids who want to improve from 700 to 900 or 1000 and can probably afford to go without scholarship. You, my friend, are advised to pull your pants down, stand on the street corner and bend over if you love getting screwed so much, which is what is going to happen to you on the test day.

4. In the rarest of rare circumstances by a quirk of fate or by hidden genious, you do actually manage to learn all the 3500 words, well rejoice, take a break before the test day and enter the test hall only to realise the first word you get is not from Barrons (this can happen as the list is not exhaustive). What happens next- you start sweating, loose your nerve and end up wasting too much time in guessing and screw it all up. Again Refer to last line of Rule 1.

So you see , pretty much anything you do is redundant at this point of time. And for those of you headed to my home to beat the shit out of me, relax. This post has been written from the nuetral territory of Nederlands. Best of luck for your test ;)

* 1- insert uck in place of ***

2- good score can vary from person to person based on how low you think of yourself. I think 1450 is a good score.

July 1, 2008

Protected: Disco Night

Filed under: Humour, Internship, Life — Sparrow @ 3:48 pm

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June 25, 2008

Time-wasting Tactics at Workplace (TTW)

Filed under: Humour, Internship, Life — Sparrow @ 7:59 pm
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I am sure you are all familiar with those days where yawns and constant need to surf the net overcomes your hardworking self. But if you are in a place where there is constant monitoring of your actions and there are people around you who might rat you out, chances look grim , dont they? Well not anymore. Here are some of my well researched and tried out formulas that could be carried out with reasonable rate of success anywhere in the world except maybe In Langley :P

1. Dont surf porn. What else is left then , I hear some of you ask. well plenty , and you should maintain atleast some semblance of decency !! you perverted minds..

2. While Chatting, always make a sombre face or a straight one. Frequent smiles and real life impersonations of LOL and LMAO are not going to help you cover your indiscretions. Reason is simple enough…. if you are working , you should be looking sad…

3. Always keep multiple windows open, preferably one in which you actually surf and others which are related to your work. A ratio of 4:1 is a must and 6:1 is recommended. This way your supervisor can get fooled and chances are he wont see the one window where you are surfing for jokes.

4. If you are given free coffee , then take frequent coffee breaks but not very long ones. 15 minutes on one break is ideal, more than 20 and you are on the radar. If you are still lazy , interspread your coffee breaks with toilet breaks. Say 2 coffee breaks and 2 toilet breaks in 2.5 hrs and you have effectively wasted 1 hr out of 2.5. 40% efficiency , not bad eh..

5. Never sit idle , twiddling your thumbs, leering at your female co-workers or just staring at the ceiling. No matter what, your hands should always be on the keyboard or drawing some doodle on the pad but never idle. Sitting idle can fast track your way onto the HR radar and you might find yourself answering some uncomfortable questions.

6. Take long Lunches. Start prepping yourself for the lunch 10 minutes before the actual time (you know , scratch your tummy , take a dump to rid yourself of the breakfast… those kind of things).

7. Dont sit around gossiping with co workers. Your aim is to waste your own time not others. Let them struggle with their own time, while you take advantage of this post. Read blogs, best substitute for books. Read online newspapers , read their editorial discussions , messages from the readers , if interested add your own comments. However is news aint your thing , there are plenty of tabloids to scourge on the net. You can read the latest paparazzi shit on celebrities and wonder how they can be so stupid.

If you have more of these , let me know. I am always on the lookout for new innovations ;)

June 23, 2008

Football Lessons

Filed under: Eurotrip, Football, Humour, Internship, Life — Sparrow @ 4:05 pm
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Euro 2008 frenzy is all around me here. Especially with the dutch kicking ass of the world cup finalists, all Oranje fans are convinced that this their year. I am cheering for the Oranges this time too coz well you know they being the host country and paying for my holiday, it only seems fair. So all was well until I got too excited and decided to test my rusty legs on the football field again before the Germany-Portugal match. I went along with my footballer friend to the field where we met 14 other guys (some dutch , one spanish , 2 italians and one afrikaan). Everybody shook hands and then teams were decided with one side to play with bright green training jerseys. Now I know that football is a round ball that is supposed to be kicked around with your legs , occasionally with your head and you are suppossed to pass the ball to your teammates or put it between the legs of the last guy standing on the opposing side. But I learned a lot more yesterday and the lessons were very painful.

Lesson 1: Unless wearing shin guard ,dont provoke the Italians. I tried and he responded by well placed kick on the shin and thanks to him I am now walking around with a wobbly leg.

Lesson 2: Dont try to dribble for more than 5 seconds. Chances are you will be elbowed in the guts, shouldered in the back or simply kicked in the nuts while you curse your teammate for passing the ball to you. Did I mention there was no refree.

Lesson 3: Never volunteer to be a part of the wall that blocks free kicks. I did and was smacked right in the face with a  lump of smooth rubber travelling at 60miles/hr. Somewhere in my previous posts I mentioned something about a broken nose. Talk of predictions….

Lesson 4: Heading is not a good option if you arent doing it regularly. Apart from being downright ineffective it can also affect performance at workplace i.e. if you are not already underperforming. ;)

P.S- The Dutch have now been knocked out so I m rooting for Turkey now.  They might just do a Greece this year.

June 16, 2008

Average Monday

Filed under: Humour, Internship, Life — Sparrow @ 3:39 pm

8:30 am - Alarm breaks the silence of morning in my room , no rather in the whole neighborhood as I scramble to find it and then slink back into the quilt reasoning with myself that 15 minutes more wont cause a disaster.

9:15 am - This time I get up , draw open the curtains to let the sun or rain or whatever is coming down that day into my room. Then head slowly down to the toilet , taking care not to disturb the peace loving people around me with the creaking stairs and flapping chappals, not to mention the roaring sound of flush , announcing to the whole wide world that I just took a crap.

9:30 am- Pick up the toothbrush , wash it (though I dont need to , hardly any dust , but its a habit I picked up in hostel), put toothpaste and roll it around your dentures wondering at the same time what excuse am I going to put forward for the late arrival to the supervisor.

9:35 am- Head into the warm shower and as the good hot water hits me , I slowly forget about the time until 20 minutes later when I stop doodling around coz its 5 minutes to 10 and I am not even dressed yet. I quickly dry myself , head into the room, put on some t-shirt ,then a sweat shirt and then a jacket, because in a day in nederlands you are never really sure how many types of weather are you going to confront in a day. It can vary from hot sunny - cold sunny- pleasant windy - cold windy - cold hard rain - cold drizzle and so on.

10:05 am- For the lack of time as well as decent culinary skills , break 3 eggs put them into a glass , shake with some salt , I pretend I am James bond and its a dry martini and gulp it down. Then I wash the glass and pour some juice into it and gulp that down. Now I have effectively fooled my stomach into thinking that I just had some omelet and juice.

10:10 am - Saunter out of the house , unlock bicycle and cycle for minutes on a separate lane with car driver actually waiting for you on intersections to cross it. Really respect people on cycle here :D not like in India where you have to get down into the rough every time some car comes by on a narrow lane.

10:15 am - I walk into the Atlas building and avoid eye contact with your supervisor because I am now one hour late than everyone else in the building. But its coffee time so everyone is busy crowding around the machine and I join them after switching on my computer. The coffee is pretty crappy , maybe because its free or maybe the dutch like its that way, the only thing worth drinking is the hot chocolate and I usually take that. A few hellos and how r u’s later I settle in the front of my computer at about 10:30 and the first thing I open is Mozilla firefox and simultaneously open up 3 tabs , orkut , ibnlive and cricinfo. Trivial things like my project work can wait until after I have checked my scraps , devoured the news and read the latest cricket news.

10:45am - I open MATLAB and let it remain, to be switched to whenver I want to be seen as working seriously. Then I open the gtalk and check if anyone has an interesting status message and the usual suspects are Aniruddh , Deka and Bahl with Bahl mostly giving out youtube links. Usually during this time one or other of my friends ping me up to ask if I am going to paris , how much time will it take to cover Amsterdam and if there are any other places to see in nederlands. I usually give out different answers to diff. people and make up storiesas to why a particularly non descript village is absolutely a must visit. This is not to misguide, but just to make this inanely boring conversation interesting and if by chance somebody does end up there, who knows , we might laugh about it later.

11:15am - This is usually the time when my supervisor sneaks up on me unannounced and I hastily close all gtalk conversations and minimize the firefox. Then I give an innocent smile and start babbling nonstop about 2d modelling of …….. and then using the books open in front of me I pretend this work and internship is a life changing experience and my ultimate goal in life has now changed to become a hydrological researcher. Well I know all these emotions on one face sounds tough but it gets easier with practice.

11:45am - Ok enough hard work till now, time to take a coffee break again and try to see if any free event has been listed around the machine. I am in luck , there is a wine tasting event this thursday(free for students) and I make a note in my calender to remind myself.

12:00pm - Its nearing lunch time and I start thinking what am I going to buy for lunch today, considering cash is not used here, I have to buy 10euro chipnip cards to buy lunch and it gets over in 3 days flat. Soups are good but sandwiches are eatable only on certain days. Anyways as the lunch time draws nearer the frequency of chats on gtalk increases which is really frustating because that eats into my precious lunch time.

12:30pm - Its lunch time and I suggest to the other hardworking souls in the room that we should go for lunch. This is always met by “sure” and “yeah lets go” and the german girl takes about 10 minutes to pack up  her laptop and keep it under lock and key while me and the Austrian guy go to the adjacent room to invite the Italian lad. So finally at about 12:45 we descend down the building and depending on the weather go outside or eat in the canteen itself. Now the topic of discussion during lunch is usually the crappy food of the canteen, sometimes stories from our respective homelands and a few lines about the yesterdays match. The conversation is pretty easy to follow as the others are not really super fluent in English, however owing to diff nationalities its the choosen mode of communication. Infact I suspect I have a better command over it than most of them. But while others are talking or making a point I am usually thinking of a funny one liner or a clever repartee. As I am about to deliver this punchline, I am interupted by the mafioso who decides to chip in his with his 2 cents. I mutter a slew of abuses in Hindi towards him under my breath at the same time maintaining the smile. The topic changes after that. But while walking back to the workplace I manage to bring it up again and ramm in the punchline. Bingo… ‘Jhanda gaad diya’ as Sid would have said.

1:30pm - Time to pretend again. This time I open a different book and continue to scourge the net for interesting blogs, stories and anything really just to pass the time. The time after lunch I am seldom interrupted by my supervisor, however if she does arrive I always have a slew of academic nonsense ready to make it sound that the work is really complicated and it would need more of my time to get it done. The next 4 hours is a test of my time wasting tactics honed over 4 years of highschool and 3 years of IIT life and at 5:30 I pass the test with flying colors. It involves spending time refreshing your own orkut account, jumping from scrapbook to scrapbook deriving vicarious pleasure out of reading other’s talk, checking out photos of hot girls if possible(Pic lock thing - I hate that application) and trading on cric-exchange, checking out our anony IITG community for its hilarious content.

6:00 pm - The Mscs and Phds leave at this time generally exhausted with their continous struggle to churn out something useful after a day of simulations and calculations. I on the other hand put on my I-pod, clear out my desk and with a big smile on my face bid everyone good bye and skip out of the building after another funfilled day at my internship.

Reaching home the first thing I do is change my status message to New Post Up with a link to the blog to whore it around coz it hasnt got a decent following yet. I enjoy the rest of the time watching the stats go up.

June 10, 2008

Protected: A day in Amsterdam

Filed under: Humour, Internship, Life — Sparrow @ 6:59 pm

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